The following is an excerpt from an email I wrote to "D."



I was watching Sherman's March today, and I noticed something that I never thought about before... Mr. Ross McElwee actually makes mistakes, like, he forgets to turn the audio recorder on a lot, or sometimes there's JUST audio and no picture at all... and he ran out of film when he was interviewing Charlene and the squiggly lines (I don't know their technical name) run across the screen because he was at the end of the film roll.

And I don't know about you, but when I make mistakes like that, I don't really know how to fix them, to make it work, you know? I ususally just end up reshooting or scrapping it all.

But Mr. M does... Like when he ran out of film while Charlene was still talking, it was kind of beautiful. Also, he seems to be a naturalist, like, he doesn't care if the audio picks up the camera noises and stuff. And when he forgets the audio, he even says stuff like, "I forgot to turn on the audio here," so you just get the haunting soundless pictures with his dry narration... and there's something beautiful about it.

Anyway, I was thinking about this today... and about how life is natural and beautiful without all of the prescribed notions and pressures about what everything should mean and how we should behave/act/feel...

PS: Here are some favorite quotes from the movie:

“I spent the next few days with Cam and his friends. They seem to spend a lot of time collecting and trading plastic animals, like the kind you used get in cereal boxes, except larger. I never really understood what it was all about.”

“I’ve come to the end of my journey with no car, no money, and only one roll of film. What’s worse is that I don’t seem to have a real life anymore. My real life has fallen into the crack between myself and my film. I begin to feel paralyzed by these speculations, when suddenly, a news item on the radio snaps me out of my stupor: my old nemesis, Burt Reynolds, is back in
town... and I decided that this time, I have to find him and film him.”

“For a long time I’ve had this notion that love was possible, I mean, romantic love. You know, two people falling deeply in love with each other and somehow managing to stay together for more than two weeks.”

“Having two large empty beds is twice as depressing as having one large empty bed.”

I think I may have said some hurtful things to him recently, which I now realize were huge mistakes. But mistakes aren't meant to be erased from life. Mistakes are an essential and beautiful part of life. I just wish he would understand that.

Well, it appears that there is nothing wrong with "DP." We spoke on the phone last night while I was at Colleen's house. He is a great guy, but I just don't think I can do this any longer. He is so far away, and I can't get seriously involved because I feel like I still have a lot of living to do. Maybe that makes me a heartless person, or worse, maybe it makes me the one thing that Mormons fear and loathe the most: a woman with goals and aspirations outside of the home.



I'm not going to sit at home watching Oprah and baking cookies waiting for someone to knock on my door.

Does that make me a bad person? It's not like I didn't put forth effort to fulfill Mormon obligations... I went to freaking BYU for four years, I served a mission... I'm prepared. And it's not like I haven't dated... but the guys who are drawn to me usually have some major flaw, like homosexuality/child molesting/living-in-the-tundra that prevents anything romantically permanent.

The LDS church has addressed this, in short, by saying that women who are single should pursue an education and career in order to be self-sufficient. That's exactly what I'm doing. I have a B.F.A. with Honors from BYU. In August, I will have a M.Ed. And now I am studying for the LSAT. So why do I feel so bad?



I am partially frustrated because the majority of my friends are married and have children, and whether intentionally or unintentionally, they treat me like I'm somehow inferior, and that my plans mean nothing. "W" is a prime example.

The situation with "A" is more upsetting because I believe it was unintentional. I haven't seen her in several years and she invited me to her family's temple sealing. She is still one of my best friends from BYU and we talk almost daily. She asked me to be her temple escort.

So even though I am almost living completely off of student loans, I bought a round-trip plane ticket to Orlando, a non-refundable ticket, because that was all I could afford. I planned my trip with her on the phone while I purchased the ticket online. She was involved in every step of the planning. I had to replan my entire semester of graduate classes so I could get the time off.

And today she called to pretty much tell me not to come because her husband made plans with his friend and there wasn't room for me. I am upset because I feel like that was incredibly inconsiderate, especially considering my financial situation. Now I have a bizillion dollar credit on Southwest Air that I really don't think I'll be able to use. This is yet another example of me bending over backwards for someone and them not appreciating it.

And I'm just supposed to grin and bear it, and be understanding and even sympathetic (while completely screwed over) because, well golly, she is married and has more important committments to her husband and family.

I love how all of my married friends expect me to be completely flexible and understanding. Either intentionally or unintentionally, they don't respect me at all under the presumption that single people's lives and plans are somehow inferior and less important.

What gives?

I am uncharacteristically lonely and depressed in Las Vegas right now. This sucks. I like "DP." I also realize that nothing lasting can ever come of this because he is five states away. And I sure as heck will never permanently go to the frozen tundra where he lives unless he makes some kind of committment. I am just so depressed about this, because you meet someone and totally click and have that magic connection, enjoying each other's company and conversation. But nothing ever comes of it. Ever. Why are these things so easy for other people?

I am a quality person: intelligent, educated, healthy, motivated. But it seems that LDS males seem to be primarily after blonde & tan girls under the age 21. And I am not one of those. I am so sick and tired of the shallow, callous nature of men.

"W" is upset because she says I put her in an awkward situation. This is the situation:
1) She got pregnant.
2) I said I would throw a baby shower.
3) Her friend from church also threw her a baby shower. "W" did not invite us to the other baby shower.
4) I chose a date for our baby shower.
5) All of our friends bickered senselessly about the date for our baby shower, and sugested we have a "lunch" instead.
6) I planned a date for the "lunch."
7) Our friends decided that they didn't want to have ANY baby-related get-together, and instead would prefer to attend the other baby shower, essentially inviting themselves to a baby shower thrown by a complete stranger.
8) "W" is blaming me, and sent me a snippy email.
I see it this way: I went out of my way, and was willing to donate my time and my money. Our friends are crappy and refuse to commit to any kind of social engagement. So screw them. I'm done. I don't need any more shizzy friends.



It's funny how, almost ten years after high school, my friends from high school are still acting like... high school. I'm sure we are all mature adults in our real lives, but whenever we interact, all of those painful high school feelings come running back, as well as our archetypal high school roles. And in all reality, I have zero connection with these people.

Also, it frustrates me when people act all rude and condescending just because they are married and/or have children. And they often act like the lives of their single friends should revolve around their blissful married lives, you know, because they're married and that makes them so much more important.

At church today, the bishop said, "Nice to see you back." And I thought to myself, "what the heck? I've been here every week." I realize that there are fifty billion people in that ward, half of which being transient, but that comment still struck me as kind of odd. Did he confuse me with someone else? Is he going to think I'm inactive when I go to my recommend renewal interview on Tuesday night? Nevermind that I have three callings. Never mind that there are at least fifteen other girls in the ward who look just like me.

Another question I have is this... if you are living almost entirely off of student loans, what exactly are you supposed to pay tithing on?

Also, on Wednesday night, a representative of the bishop's wife asked me if I wanted to fill in at ward "date night," because someone else cancelled and they needed another girl. I've been in that ward for over a year and have yet to be asked on a date by a ward member. I think that is directly related to A.) my lack of blondness, and B.) my being over the age of 21. Why waste my Thursday night with guys who don't want to date me/who I would never want do date? Hmmm... maybe I have a bad attitude.

Or maybe it's dignity. Or maybe pride. Or maybe because I really like "D." Geography sucks. So how do you go from "people who independently like eachother" to being a "couple"? Hmm??? I think one person has to go out on a ledge, take a risk, etc... And that person will never be me.

Here are the relationships I've screwed up because I never said anything:
1) S.H.
2) N.C.
3) K.L.
4) S.R.
5) K.G.
6) Br.Dl.

Speaking of dignity, I've noticed that a long-time friend constantly embarasses herself in front of guys. Seriously, she throws herself shamelessly at anyone wearing a suitcoat. She's a lot better than that, ie: she's beautiful, smart, motivated, etc... I just don't understand.

So I'm going to do some travelling while I'm young and able.

**********
January 19-22: SLC/Provo... Sundance Film Festival w/ Ryan and Kev, visit BrD

Feb 2-5: Phoenix... visit with Bethany, Ty, and the Ferrins

Feb. 9-13: Orlando... Amie's sealing, DisneyWorld!!!

Feb. 16-19: SLC/Layton... Aunt D's missionary farewell, visit with Dean

March 13-19: New York City & Boston... w/ travel buddy Bethany, visit N.S., Sarah, my brother Kenny, and Joel

March 23-26: Ty is visiting from Arizona... we're going to see AvenueQ
**********

And that's as far in advance as I've planned. I hope no one's stalking me.

I know this is old and probably cliche, and not from a band that I particularly care for... but I think it deserves repeating.
"Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock & roll band
who'll throw it all away..."
-Oasis

That's all.

Ahem. I would like to thank the following people:

* Minda: I signed up on facebook. Now we can share our rockstar photos. =) I love you.
* Blair: for the support with the you-know-what online activities, as well as your anti-drum-sharing advice.
* Nolan: for having a rad bday party that I sadly could not attend
* Nathan: for going yarn shopping with me the other night
* Josh: for going out with my fam the other night
* Abby: just for being you. =)

Also:

I miss playing music with you guys. I watched one of our old videos the other day. It was from the Christmas Party at neighbor-Dave's house. We played all those Weezer covers and DaveyDaverson sang some high harmonies because Briana was at the Tori Amos concert. We also played "Sunshine Pig," "Vegeta," "Starfox," and "Smoke" (?). It was good to hear Minda's songs. This was also the show where we wore matching floral shirts from D.I., even Dave.

It was pretty funny because there was a definite time when you could tell we ran out of songs, and we just started pulling stuff out of who-knows-where, because they asked us to keep playing. We even played "LaBamba." =)

A 2005 Retrospective:

Places of Employment:
* R.C. Willey (no longer employed there)
* Clark County School District
* University of Nevada, Las Vegas

Vacations:
* Irvine, CA (got a really expensive and much-needed haircut

* Provo/SLC/Syracuse, UT (a few times)
* Mission Viejo, CA








Concerts I attended:
* Bright Eyes
* Violent Femmes
* The Killers
* Chris Isaak
* Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
* O.A.R.
* Howie Day
* Drew Danburry (twice)
* KC and the Sunshine Band

Dudes I dated and why we broke up:
* "B.R." : discovered he was the producer of homemade pornography which he would post online, AND that he was talking to underage girls online and meeting them for sexual encounters
* "P.L." : differences in values, i.e. different preferences regarding alcohol consumption & drug abuse
* "A.N." : major religious differences

Friends Who Got Married:
* Kelli
* DaveyDaverson
* Tiffany U.
* TerriAnne
* Vanessa
* Dana & T.F. (to each other, nonetheless!)
* Chris
* several mission sisters

Friends Who Visited Vegas:
* Ty & Mark (and others)
* Megan & Huns (twice!)
* Kevin & Ryan
* Kristine & Carrie
* Blair
* Dean
* Stephanie

Favorite Films that I Saw This Year:
* Saved!
* Elizabethtowne
* Supersize Me

Schools Where I Worked:
* Shadow Ridge HS (Art)+
* Cheyenne HS (English, Math, Library, Photography)+
* Las Vegas HS (English)
* Durango HS (Math)
* Spring Valley HS (Computers, Business)+
* Desert Pines HS (AP Biology)
* Johnson Middle School (Orchestra & Band)+
* Hayes Elementary (4th grade)
* Piggot Elementary (4th grade)
* Ruby Thomas (2nd grade)
* J.T. McWilliams (4th grade)+
+ multiple times